You know the saying, "I was a much better parent before I had kids"? For me, it's so true. I thought when I became a mom I would make my own baby food, walk everyday, not give in to whining or crying, no candy or chocolate until age 2 at least, and with all my free time finally dust off those art skills and get my mini-business rolling. I would be zen and go with the flow... Then I had my first child.
I probably should have figured this out before, but it wasn't until I was struggling to find balance, and reclaim my identity, and manage a house that seemed to constantly be in disarray, etc, etc. that I realized - I don't adjust to change very well. At least not if I have any responsibility to manage during it.
Our son is now 18 months old and the house is still an un-organized mess. He has already tasted candy and chocolate. I made some baby food but not all of it. Sadly for the dog, we walk only almost everyday. And my art business is still buried in the ground. I do not feel zen. I do not go with the flow. (My husband recently said that I yelled a lot in the early days. Sorry.) But then I have a child who doesn't sleep through the night either, and sleep disruption depletes ones reserves of patience, energy, clear thinking and motivation.
So maybe I'm not the zen mother I thought I would be, but I'm still a good mother. I love my son, my husband, and our life. Even when I get weighed down by falling short of my own ideals, I know I am blessed. Most importantly I am growing. I am becoming better. A better mother, and a better person. I used to say that marriage is one of the hardest things you can do, but it's also one of the best. That's still true, but becoming a parent tops that, in both difficulty and reward.
Now I should get to bed, because my mid-night wake up call could be coming at any moment and I want as much patience as possible to comfort my wonderful little 'reward'.
