From Frustrated to Thankful

For the past 4 weeks I’ve been laid up on various couches because of a flare up of severe sciatica. Many of you mothers will understand because you have experienced a variation of this condition during pregnancy. Five years ago I suffered a work related injury that ruptured one of the lower discs in my back, bulged another and pinched my left sciatic nerve. Some people are able to tough it out and their body adjusts. I was not one of those people. I did keep working for 11 months with the pain getting worse and worse until finally, I could no longer force a smile to the customers. It was another three months before I had surgery.

The surgery was like a miracle. I hobbled in as a model-thin drugged out invalid, and literally walked out pain and drug free. (Although going cold turkey off opiods made for some not-so-fun withdrawal.)

WSIB labeled it a 30% permanent loss of normal function due to the nerve damage. It took another 5/6 months before I started back to work. Since then I have been blessed to thrive with returning to my regular activities and no serious flare-ups, even with two pregnancies and deliveries, until now. Well until four weeks ago.

With a two year old, an eight month old and a husband who is self-employed in a seasonal line of work (of course, this happens to be high season), I need help, from when my two year old wakes until he goes to sleep.

It really is humbling to have so many people helping out. Our family and friends have been amazing. In times like these I am also reminded how wonderful it is to be part of a loving church community. The number of helping hands and caring hearts multiplies exponentially. Yet anyone who has required care for an extended period of time knows that as wonderful as it is, and as grateful as you are, it begins to wear on you. Mostly it’s jealousy that they get to play with your kids, but it’s also putting away their clothes and making nutritious meals. I'm even getting jealous of others cleaning the toilets and mowing the lawn! Everyone has a different way of doing things, each with their own priorities and preferences, and each with a unique intuition as to where things get put away in the kitchen, and not always the same way I would do things.

So today after starting to get frustrated again at the state of my house, I decided to flip it to the positive. Instead of focusing on what I would have done differently since someone else did it “wrong” (though I realize it isn’t wrong just different that my way) I used it to realize that I AM good at keeping my house running smoothly.

I’ve always struggled with this. In fact I’ve struggled with confidence in my self in areas like this for awhile. I am not a take charge person, or good at delegation. I take it all on, then complain when it’s too much, then I get some help and I complain (in my head with others, unfortunately often out loud to my husband) that it’s not done to my particular taste. For instance I hate a dirty kitchen. Hate it. And I’m currently limiting m use of that word because it’s really so strong and often misused. But here, it fits. I hate a dirty kitchen, or a dirty toilet. I dislike toys being left around, and things not being put away. I am mildly disgusted when our house, furniture or linens smell like dog. I clean while I cook. I tidy in between activities and before bedtime. I clean toilets as needed, whether that’s everyday or once a week. I sweep daily, sometimes twice a day. And I’m forever trying new techniques to help efficify (to make more efficient) my groceries to meals process. 

In the end I guess I’d like to say thank you again to everyone for your help. Thank you for helping me when I am unable to look after my own family. I appreciate it so much. Thank you for reminding me the honour it is to be given such a task, by leaving me jealous that I’m not the one doing it. And thank you for giving me confidence that when I’m on my feet again, I can take pride in my work not just because a mother’s job is an admirable one, but because I do it well. I don’t do it the same as everyone else, and I’m not saying I do it better, just that for my family, I do a good job.