I Miss Sleep

I never intended to have a child who didn't sleep through the night. It may seem an odd thing to say, but often people make me feel like it was my choice, or my fault. I'm sure they don't mean to. Being a parent is not an easy task and we are very good at feeling guilty about our imperfections. 


Some will try to help by advising a version of the "cry-it-out" method but it goes against my conscience and heart. Unless I am overwhelmed with exhaustion or frustration I can't bear to leave him crying, even then I don't last very long. I don't let my son cry if he needs me (even if it's just for comfort) during the day so why would I do it during the night? 


I'm not saying that those who do are bad parents. I believe that if it's not abuse each family must decide how to run their family. I don't think a child should be "punished" for waking in the night, but I do agree that boundaries should be established. How each family does that is up to them. 


My son is now 18 months old and I'm considering pushing him toward independent sleep a bit harder, but I'm still wrestling with the specifics. He is naturally a very physically affectionate kid. We have not practiced co-sleeping in the past, yet recently I have brought him into our bed if he wakes just a half hour/ hour early and he will quickly and quietly nod off, often sleeping in! Yet if I make him stay in his room, even if I coax him back to sleep in my arms, he'll wake again 15 minutes later. It seems the harder I push the worse he sleeps. 


I envy those with children who sleep well, and through the night. Maybe it's their technique, maybe I was too cuddly, maybe I like holding babies too much. Or maybe it's just an individual thing like a personality trait. I've always taken at least 1/2 hour to get to from pillow to sleep and I now struggle with insomnia. I also have a few nephews that struggle with sleep as well, so maybe it's genetic. 


Whatever it is, I guess I'm stuck with sleep deprivation for awhile yet. For those of you with good sleepers, count your blessings. To all the other bleary-eyed parents who dream about sleep, take heart you are not alone. You are not a bad parent, you are not failing your child, he/she/they will sleep on their own and in their own beds at least by 16. And thank God for coffee!