Love Never Gives Up

I know I haven't posted in awhile. I've been choosing to focus what little energies I have on my family instead of writing. But I feel an urgent need to reach out to any of you reading. Our world is so full of misery and divorce and I believe that marriage is intended to be something wonderful.

It's NOT easy, but it can be good. Just like raising kids isn't easy, but it's good. Friendships aren't always easy, but they can be good. I worry that our society has lost the skills, knowledge and resiliency to keep marriages alive. I'm not knocking those who's marriages have ended. I don't know your story and I'm not passing judgement. I just want to somehow encourage those who are still in a marriage to keep pressing on. It seems so rare to find examples of marriages that last, real-life ones or even fictional!
And I know too many marriages that may be in a lonely, or feeling hopeless state (I've been there too) I want to save them from crumbling.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT

This is a great verse, often quoted, but how often do we actually DO it? I'm learning new depths to this verse, and new ways to put it into practice almost every day. Am I always patient and kind? Am I not jealous of the seeming alone time, relax time, sleep-in time, or time to enjoy his hobbies? Do I keep my comments to myself if I seem to excel in an area he struggles, and am I careful not to offend even if I think he's being too sensitive? Do I make demands but no allowances? Am I irritable? (And before first coffee is not an adequate excuse.) Do I focus on the current issue instead of dragging up past history? Am I grateful for truth even if it means my faults end up in the spotlight? And do I always believe in his good intentions, even if his actions don't always show it very well? Do I keep my faith alive? Do I remain confidently hopeful that we will make it to the other side of whatever situation we're currently in? Not easy, but very very good.

So I'm asking any of you who have a story from within your marriage that tells of perseverance, of enduring hope. Our stories are not complete and I'm sure we will all face obstacles in the future, but right now if you have an encouraging story to share please do. If you don't think you do, try writing your story in the third person. It's amazing the heroes and heroines that emerge in our own lives when we step back and imagine our life as if it was someone else's.

(Feel free to post anonymously or send me an email with your story and I'll post it in third person for you. gunter.ell@gmail.com)

Looking forward to cheering each other on together!

Simply Mom

With all our modern conveniences, I think the world (at least the part of the world I live) has managed to make life more complicated.

We've invented millions of devices to make our lives faster with the aim of giving us more time to relax yet we just use them to pack more "stuff" into our days. We seem to have less time 'off' because any spare moment we do have is filled with checking texts, emails, facebook, twitter, etc. And even the idea of time off from a paid work position has become so... short and rare in today's society. (Well, North American society. I've heard that the developed European countries are better at honouring time away from work. Like the saying goes, they 'work to live, not live to work'.) How many of us work 6, sometimes 7 days a week, without ever really being off because we're checking emails? And how often is a first introduction followed by the question, "So what do you do?" As if our job is our identity. For most of us I suppose it is.

I've been trying to simplify my life and focus on my current priority, which is my young family. So I've said no to some volunteer opportunities. I've made peace with spending more time at home instead of dragging my kids around to different errands and outings. I've even noticed that I've stopped posting pictures and status updates on facebook because I was feeling pressure to be telling everyone what I was doing, how my family is, instead of just doing it, and enjoying the moments myself. (Interestingly, we are so used to fb being an instant forum that when I was posting pictures late, I found even close family members assuming I was there right now. ) But that's just regarding technology.

Even psychology and sociology, with all the deeper understanding it's provided about personalities, temperaments, human responses, mental and emotional processing, etc. in some ways it's made life more difficult. Instead of just giving us information to help us make better choices, and be more understanding of others, it's given us so much that it's easy to feel burdened by the responsibility to know everything and make "perfect" choices. I'm not even going to get into the pressures of choosing the right career.

Take parenting, for example; in years past parents raised their kids however they saw fit in that moment. Sure they made some mistakes, but for the most part they probably didn't dwell on it. Until someone wrote a book years later about how they did such and such so wrong and messed up their kid. Even the kids probably accepted their parents actions with a more "that's just the way life is" attitude, until someone suggested they'd been wronged. Of course there are benefits. Beating your children with a belt everyday is not a parenting strategy I endorse, but creating boundaries with consequences for our children is one I do. It's part of teaching them how the world works. If you jump off the couch you will fall to the ground. If you take away your little brother's toys, your toys will be taken away from you. If you are nice to your brother, when he is bigger he won't take your toys away from you. If you chase the cat, the cat will scratch you. If you are gentle with the cat, she will stay and let you pet her.

So today, as I was sweeping the floor this morning I found myself thinking, "I'm a good mom." Then immediately felt guilty for it! Why?! I'm not suggesting I'm better than anyone else, or that I don't have room to grow. Which got me thinking about the negative side effects of our pursuit of knowledge. I guess the pressure to be confident yet humble, to be sure of your decisions yet tolerant of others', to be socially acceptable in every thought, word and deed is too much.

(And really, I think we often forget the true definitions of words like confidence, humility, and tolerance, but I digress.)

Our world has many good things, and good people in it, but it's not all good. Not everything that has become socially acceptable is actually beneficial. How do we avoid being weighed down instead of liberated by all societies advances? I'm still working on it but I suggest that we simplify and let life just be, more often. Instead of worrying that today's lunch doesn't have all four food groups, or wondering if being angry when we gave the third time out in 3 hours will damage our child's spirit, or feeling guilty that we would sometimes rather sleep than have a date night with our spouse, or anxious that we have managed a break from our toddler with maximum efficiency, we accept that we are not perfect.

We don't have to have it all together all the time. We do need to focus on the good. And although we aren't perfect, we are perfectly matched for our life. Our weaknesses can become strengths, our imperfections can get better. God is the bringer of ALL good, and He is able to bring ALL the good out of us, into the world that surrounds us. So say it with me, "I am a good mom." (and don't feel the least bit guilty.)

For I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well.             Psalm 139:14 NIV

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he as done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can undersatnd. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. ...Fix your thoughts on what is true and honourable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are worthy of praise.                     Philippians 4:6-7,8b NLT

And I am sure that God who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again.                              Philippians 1:6 NLT

Eew!

We mothers have strong stomachs. We have to.

The messes we have to clean up, and live with, literally ON us - half chewed food, smooshed bananas, spit up, boogers, etc. - can weaken iron bellies with a mere mention.

Kids can be kinda gross.

Pets can be even grosser.

What's worse than cleaning up puke? Cleaning up poop-puke.

That's right. Our dog ate some animal's poop in the woods, then proceeded to puke it up all over our old, not well-sealed, wooden floors. Eew!

So what's the worst thing mess you've ever faced?

Or what's your best remedy for cleaning old wood floors?

Once-a-week Cooking (part 1)

In my attempt to better organize and simplify our family life I'm jumping on the "cook-once-a-week" bandwagon. 

I like cooking. Some crazy days it even helps my sanity to get a little alone time (and by alone, I mean focused on food but with kids "helping" or nearby). However I would like more time free to just play with my kids and cooking takes away from that. I'm not a super planner so this will not come easy to me. I also get overwhelmed by decision making and I've already needed a third coffee to clarify my thoughts just to narrow down the meals for this week. But I'm committed, and I'll share my process with you, whether it's a success or failure!

If I reference any recipes from other bloggers or Pinterest I will do my best to provide the direct links back to the original sources.

My general food philosophy is "diets" don't work because they aren't sustainable. Unless you have a specific goal and need something more extreme to jump start the process. Instead adopt (and I'm always adapting it according to the nutrition tips I hear) a sustainable long term food plan for yourself. Mine is to try to eat healthy as much as possible paying attention to the four food groups, and everything else in moderation. I've always tried to avoid processed foods when possible, and I'm now trying to incorporate fish at least 1-2 times a week (though I find it hard living in-land because I know it's not really fresh), vegetarian 1-2 times a week, and I'm trying to cut back on the amount of meat overall. 

(Why? I fear our society has moved too far away from a positive and balanced relationship with our food, and we overindulge in too many ways, but including meat consumption. Plus, my husband and I don't like how the mass-farmed animals are treated or when hormones are added to our foods. I'm hoping to visit some local farms this spring to find a few with whom we agree with their farming practices and where we can buy direct.) 

One of the habits I'm trying to break is over-buying. Instead of purchasing what we need for one or two weeks, I just buy a bunch of stuff to keep on hand "in case", and end up with duplicates or items that sit on my shelves for months before being used. We have a very tiny kitchen making every shelf premium space. So, looking ahead to my meals this week I will use what I have already.

I'm sure my plan will change throughout this process and rather than bore you with each detail along the way, I'll post again after the first week to share what actually happened.

Task Master

I'm horrible at blogging regularly. Even after I make promises to myself. Even after I acknowledge what a procrastinator and easily-distracted-non-finisher I am. 

Overall I am a responsible person. Those who don't live with me, would even say I'm organized and focused. And I am, at non-home stuff. There is just so much to remember and do at home, with constant interruptions. I am certainly a master (madam?) list-maker. (Somedays I even make plans to cry.) I have grand and noble intentions. I regularly start projects only to see something else halfway through, so I leave one to just quickly do another then I forget what I had originally started.

I think "cry" was maybe the one thing I actually did that day. 

Today I have many things to accomplish. (It is Christmas season afterall.) We have friends over tonight, Christmas gift making/ baking/ cooking/ wrapping to be done, family Christmas this-weekend away to pack for, and all other normal daily stuff like meals, potty training, babies, kids, dogs, etc. 

But I will be fierce and ruthless. I will pick one. One mission today, should I choose to accept it - fold the mountains of laundry.

(Now I have to run because one of the two should-be-sleeping children, is awake.)

So this is my blog today. It's short. There's not much to it, but I'm actually blogging. Practice makes perfect right?

What sort of things help you follow through on your to do lists?

Bad Day, Brilliant Dinner

Today was one of "those" days. Things were going well...until the beloved, anticipated, and dreaded afternoon nap.

I woke rather groggy and grumpy from normal mother sleep deprivation (a mother's work never being done kept me up until 11 pm), but a couple coffees, and two agreeable independent children later, and we were doing splendid. Morning nap for the baby wasn't "easy" but it went alright. Morning play time with the toddler was fine, I even got some cleaning done at the same time! Then Nap Time, with capitals N and T, arrived.

That wonderful time of day where children are supposed to close their little eyes, staying silent and still in their little beds for an extended period of time. Our toddler is in a pretty good routine these days. He usually goes to sleep well and I can count on minimum an hour and a half, occasionally even up to three hours. The baby is six and a half months and would naturally probably sleep two to three hours in his morning nap then have one or two shorter ones later on, but that would leave us trapped at home ALL day and me constantly juggling one sleeper. I can't do that. I need my alone time. I'm a mom, and a sleep-deprived introvert still recovering from a back injury. I NEED my alone time.

Instead the baby napped while a nursed him, then didn't like how I transferred him into his crib and refused to go back to sleep.

It really is futile arguing with a baby. They don't listen to reason, are unmoved by emotion, resistant to tears or begging. I tried anyway. I had already forgotten my "Acceptance = Success" wisdom from this morning. I knew I should give in but I was sooo tired I couldn't let go of the possibility that he would sleep in his crib and I would be by myself. So we fought for almost two hours, then I caved.

We came downstairs, I found a toy he didn't cry with and buried my crying eyes in a pillow. I even managed to relax for maybe ten minutes before our toddler woke up.

The rest of the afternoon was okay. I tried driving to the store hoping baby would catch a few winks - he didn't. Apparently cloudy skies are far too interesting.

I even thought bedtime would be easy since he was so tired. (Seriously, what six month old stays awake for five hours straight!) But that was a disaster because my store trip messed up the timing of dinner; husband was working even later than usual; baby had trouble settling because overtired; toddler and dog interrupted bedtime by marching into the nursery right when baby had just fallen asleep, which re-started the whole process; kicked toddler and dog out; toddler crawled onto kitchen counter to find snack; yelled until I came to help him down; baby now fully awake- you get the idea.

And now it's 10 pm. Both kids (and the dog) are fed, in bed, and asleep. The house is still standing, the world is still turning. So I write this as a reminder to myself and all other mommy readers struggling through a rough day. You WILL survive. 

At least I made a very healthy, delicious supper that both toddler and husband loved. It's one of my favourite fall/winter soups. It freezes well and the hardest part is the chopping. So here it is, as found in and issue of 'Fine Cooking' by Ellie Krieger:

Autumn Vegetable Soup
Can be refrigerated for 3 days (I've done up to 7 days), and freezes up to 2 months.
Feel free to substitute other fall vegetables or beans.
(Takes me about 10 minutes focused chopping, plus cooking of 25 minutes = 35 mins total
Allow extra time if children afoot.)
Yields about 8 cups; serves 6 to 8 as a starter
(with my husband's eating it feeds our family of three as the main dish twice)

2 Tbs     olive oil
3            medium carrots, cut into medium dice
1            large yellow onion, cut into medium dice
2            medium cloves garlic, minced
2 Cups   peeled butternut squash, 1/2 inch cubed (about half a 2 lb squash, I often add the whole thing)
1/4 tsp    ground allspice (I add a bit extra, this is my favourite part when the smell hugs my nose)
pinch     cayenne pepper
1 qt        lower salt chicken broth (= 4 cups)
1 can      no salt added diced tomatoes
4 sprigs  fresh thyme (I find a few dashes of ground thyme gives bigger punch)
2 Cups   lightly packed, coarsely chopped kale (I add more, about 2 small bunches of kale)
1 Cup    lower salt canned chickpeas

Heat the oil in a large soup pot over medium-high heat. 
Add the carrots and onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until the begin to soften, about 6 minutes. Add the garlic and cook for 2 min more.
Add the squash, allspice, cayenne, and 1 tsp salt and stir to combine.
Add the broth, tomatoes with their juice, and thyme. 
Bring to a boil, reduce the heat to medium, cover, and simmer for 10 mins.
Add the kale and the chickpeas and cook uncovered until the squash is tender and the kale has wilted, about 10 mins more.
Discard the thyme springs before serving.
Season to taste with more salt and cayenne.

Acceptance = Success

Recently I realized that a huge part of success in motherhood is acceptance. Acceptance of your children, your spouse, and yourself.

I've mentioned before that my first son was a horrible sleeper, in fact he didn't sleep through the night until almost two years old. Yet I think my biggest mistake was resisting who he was, and what he needed at that time. (He is now a fantastic sleeper, and extremely easy to put to bed anywhere, but he's still a light sleeper. My husband keeps falling asleep while putting him to bed and if I go to wake my husband up, it's our son who wakes first, even if it's my husband's leg that I'm shaking). Instead I listened to the hum around me suggesting that it was my fault that he wasn't sleeping 12 hour stretches by 6 months, that there was some disobedient flaw in him for resisting my sleep schedule desires, and this must be fixed as soon as possible to avoid permanent repercussions. It wasn't until I accepted the way things were and relaxed that he began settling better at night.

Admittedly, I am probably one of the worst at rebelling against reality. I'm forever trying to improve things, fix them, make them better. I end up being the classic, miss-the-present type of person far too often. But I also stop for impromptu dance parties, and make plans on the fly (I still like a plan though, even if the plan is "we have no plan"). This is something I recently had to accept about myself because I found it was keeping me from reaching out to others. I assumed they were well-planned, or that they would feel put on the spot by my last minute invitation. So I made a couple phone calls asking if anyone was free to go to the event at the mall that I happened to see in the paper that morning. One friend was able to make it, and we had a great morning with the kids. It's grown our friendship and further encouraged one between our sons.

Accepting my husband's busy work schedule is maybe the most difficult for me. He owns a seasonal business so he works long hours and is exhausted when he gets home (see above: falling asleep with our two year old). But a good aspect is that he is a hard worker, a character trait we want our children to learn. And I know despite his absence this is his way of loving us. He only works this hard so provide for us, and care for his family. It's still hard juggling two bedtime schedules most nights, and can be sad to put effort into a supper that is cajoled into a toddler, hurried into my own mouth, and eaten cold or re-heated by him. When our baby rarely even sees him during the week I expect a bit of making strange to happen, further attaching the baby to me. But I'm trying, and accepting that this is what it is has helped.

Prayer has also helped. God promises to keep helping develop the good in us. (Philippians 1:6) God wants the best for us and our families. He knows us better than we know ourselves, and it actually works. I promise that if you ask God to help you accept yourself, your life and family for who they are - He will. I'm so thankful we don't have to do this alone.

God has given us beautiful life, in a beautiful world, and we are blessed to be parents, spouses, daughters, sisters, etc. Let's take His love and let it surround everything. Take a deep breath, remember all the good things about your current state in life, and let it out. Let the good cover the not so good parts, and we'll all make it through this together.